Outbound Bad Santa

Just when you think that you've got all your bases covered and you are gazing at the bright blue sky, you stick your foot in a pothole and break your ankle...just like CZ in winter.

Well, some things were rather like that, it has to be said.

I've decided to split this into two parts for sanity purposes, but I doubt it will make it more bite-sized.

I literally hurled myself out of bed on the 27th with HUGE anticipation of heading to Shanghai, seeing D and getting some cold air in my lungs. Being me, I had packed the night before and had cleaned the place (I hate getting back from hols to a mess don't you?) and don't worry I'm not turning into some neurotic old coot, packing only involved stuffing the few vaguely wintery clothes I had into my trusty-just large enough to carry everything I need for a few weeks but just small enough to pass as hand luggage-rucksack. You just know I've got it down to fine art nowadays. Some people, not mentioning any names, still seem to leave it until the last minute and always forget their toothbrush.

Excuse me one moment, I shall just remove the pole from my arse...ahhh that's much better.

Where was I? ah yes, hurling. I peeked out from the balcony to check the traffic status and everything seemed normal for a Tuesday morning. Had to be at the airport around one so I thought that leaving at 10.30 am for what should be an hour-ish journey using two taxis and the BTS (skytrain) should suffice. Two hours later we were still in the first taxi ride and I was getting predictably distraught(it took us half an hour to drive over a bridge!). The taxi driver, clearly sensing one of my most evil looks boring through his head-rest turned to me and asked if we wanted to take one of the little side roads as 'it could be faster'. Now, I said yes completely fogetting that short cuts to Thai taxi drivers mean taking an elaborate route through 'back streets' and even hospital car parks in areas I'm sure should be for ambulances only. Short cut really means anything but short and is rarely scenic. Half an hour later and feeling rather sea sick from all the twists and turns we arrived at the BTS and I noticed that the main road was still chokka. Slightly harrassed and crestfallen that we weren't going to be able to have the leisurely western lunch in BKK that we had planned we headed on to the Airport.

We eventually arrived and our flight was not on the departures board. Nothing. Zip. Nada, no matter how hard I stared. Horrendous visions of it being an utterly bogus flight and I'd handed over my money on some sort of scam flew through my mind. We went to the check-in section for Air India and there wasn't anybody there, not even a soupcon of activity suggesting a flight even existed. Someone directed us to the Air India desk. It was closed. Boarded up with newspaper in fact. I was getting fidgety it has to be said, I'd started swearing a while back.

Good old airport information, we'll try them.
-'Air India? flight AI348? my computer says it leaves here at 9pm.'
- What the bollocks to buggery are you talking about woman? write it down! Write it down! I need it in writing, it can't be right.
It was wrong, actually we didn't take off until 11.10pm. When were we supposed to leave I here you ask? 3pm. And the thing is in Thailand they never seem to care about these things. It is weird and in fact noone else appeared to be there when we were for the same flight. I don't get it. Most people tavel to China on group tours so I presume they had the luxury of being warned about the delay.

The only option was to zoom back into BKK - the prospect of spending 7 hours at the airport is never pleasant, couldn't even check-in to get to the departures lounge anyway. We contacted D to break the bad news that we were going to land around 3am and bimbled about a brand new mall they opened (in between two other huge malls) in BKK. This one, features only shops along the lines of Gucci and Armani - there were thousands of people in there none of whom had any shopping bags - and poncey restaurants, western stuff, a Gourmet supermarket akin to Harrods and lots and lots of fake plant decor, waterfalls and ponds containing the ubiquitous koi.

We returned to the aiport to discover our flight finally on the board with a discreetly flashing delay sign next to it. We finally left at 11.10pm and I was rather disgruntled that they insisted on checking my boarding pass upon entering the gate, in the tunnel on the way to the plane and upon boarding - would anyone in their right mind hang around for 9 hours just to stowaway or have waited 9 hours to discover it is the wrong flight? I think not.

I had been looking forward to the flight hoping the food would be of Indian orientation, predictably, it was not to be. However, I found the hostesses to be lovely and the flight went without a hitch. Obviously, I thought cabin pressure had done something really funny to my ears when she came round with the drinks, and when I said I'd like a beer she replied: "shall I just give you four?" I made her repeat this just to check I wasn't going mad and she just plonked four Kingfishers on my table and more than the recommended amount of nuts. Of course, the first thing I did was look around to check if anyone else was getting special treatment, nope just us. This went a long way to improving this part of the journey.

But the worst was yet to come...